Best and Worst of 2012

Andrew and I have been stretched this year, and as it turns out, that isn’t always fun, but it’s always good — always tense and scary, but the process is worth it.  We have had highs and lows, goods and bad’s, and at the end of the day, we are far better at this point this year than we were a this point last year. I guess that’s what this life is all about.  We are thankful, so thankful for the people God has blessed us with, for His plentiful blessings, and we are better for the stretching. And so with no further adieu, and as the tradition stands, we leave the irreversible past in a brief and semi-well thought out list of the best and worst of our 2012. And we look forward to the irresistible future.  May God bless you all this 2013, and may all our hopes and fears be found in Him tonight, and every night.

With love.

Worst: the low’s, so as to end on a high note.

10. Looking for jobs.
9. Getting a speeding ticket on the way home from Nashville, and the 4 hours of online traffic school that follows, (which, while it was awfully boring and tedious, at least it didn’t go on my record and at least we didn’t have to pay the ticket)
8. The lack of my mother’s chocolate bon bon’s at Christmas.
7. Dayton’s largest country fried steak.
6. Andy Griffith’s passing.
5. Rain at the beach. Every single day.
4. The blonde bomb that hit my hair late July.
3. My car window that won’t go back up.
2.My dad’s heart surgery. Stressful and intense.
1. Catching the closet on fire. Who would have thought that a lightbulb could cause so. much. smoke.

Best: the highs.

10. Les Mis, The Dark Knight Rises, The Hobbit, The Avengers, Perks of Being a Wallflower, James Bond, etc etc etc
9. Moving into this wonderful home.  With a bigger closet. 8. Discovering Fast and Furious 6 is being made.
7. Getting a job, after many months of searching, interviews, and “we’re going to go with another candidate’s”
6. Getting internet at home
5. Discovering The Green Door — my new favorite store
4. Our new little niece Lois
3. Dad making it through surgery with flying colors (and healthier than ever!)
2. The newest addition to our family, Jack. The little puppy that could.
1. Andrew. But he will always be my very best.

Morning.

Andrew is asleep next to me and our dog, Jack just stirred only to curl back up in the other direction and fall back asleep right in the way of Andrew’s feet.

We’re leaving for Christmas break this morning, or as it’s beginning to look, this afternoon. And for the first time in six years, I don’t have a 13 hour trip to get ready for. I am sad to be missing out on Christmas with my family this year — and I will miss my family, the snow, and all of the funny traditions that I have come to take love over the last 23 years. But I am looking forward to experiencing Christmas with my new family. And with Jack, of course, my newest love.

I sit here in the quietness of this morning, sitting in bed next to the man I love more than I could ever put into words, and next to the dog that, if we’re being honest, I love as if he were a human and I am soaking it all in. The house isn’t awake yet, and the air is still a bit chilly on the other side of our bedroom door. The blinds are still shut so I can at least pretend for a few brief moments that it did in fact snow last night. The walls are sitting stern and proud, the walls stretch dark and still, and the first light is peaking through every crack and crevice, begging us to join it.

There is something so innocent about the morning. So untouched. The day has not quite begun, and that first light before the rest of the world wakes up is so peaceful and so pure. I don’t want today to be another cup of coffee, another short road trip, another conversation only to go to sleep and do it all over again. No, today I want to be a Carpe Diem sort of day. I want every part of this moment to be seized for life and living. Because I am so thankful for this life I have been given. Dare to seize today. Dare to live this season for what it’s truly all about. And dare to give thanks — because I know that it’s not always just that easy.

Happy Christmas, all of you. I wish you a day of love, joy, peace — and I wish you a day of seizing.

It’s been a while

I’ve taken a little bit of a hiatus from writing.  Sometimes I think this is necessary as we adjust to new schedules and new seasons to take a break from certain things so you know just where to put them when you are able to return.

We are doing quite well here and now.  We have had many conversations, shared several tears (although that has been more my sharing than it has been Andrew’s, I will admit) and have had some grand adventures in the last few months. I am sure these experiences will come up in future posts, but tonight I just want to get reacquainted with my small audience.

I am sitting in a very cold house, listening to Johnny Cash (because that’s just what you do) with a Blue Moon, and even with all of the sads and sorrows in my heart, it seems right.  Everything seems to be just right in its place with a touch of tension, just to keep things exciting.  But I guess that tension has it’s own place in this life.

I am happy, and sad. I guess we can be both, and I am sure that I will have more to say on that another day.

I just want you all to know that I’ve missed this little blog, and I am looking forward to future posts.  I wish you all a wonderful Thursday night. Have a blessed weekend, my friends. I will talk to you very soon.

Things I’ve Been Learning Lately (#6)

Originally, my Things I’ve been Learning Lately, was a semi-weekly post, a summation of the things I had been thinking about during my time in Africa.  It developed into a way that I help categorize and organize my thoughts.  I write it on days like this; days where a series of deep breaths and not so simply questions fill my heart and suffocate my mind to the point of questioning what I had gained from my experiences of late?  Some are quotes, some are thoughts, and some are thoughts of mine from quotes I’ve read.  Needless to say, what follows is a view of one small leaf falling from a larger tree that is my heart.

1. The things I take for granted: heat, shelter, food, coffee, friends, family — these are things someone else is praying for.
2. Any place can be your India
3. There is not rich and poor, intellectual and stupid, brilliant and moronic in God’s treatment of people. There are simply sinful people, and then the open door, coming to Him and then his balancing of fulfilling all of their needs. -Edith Schaeffer
4. Do I scream to be freed from who I am actually being called to be?
4b. yes.
5. Shalom refers to more than an absence of conflict, but it brings into the light the fullness of all God has called into being.
6. I am, as we all are, deeply formed by the experiences of my past.  As much as I would love to disregard the past for all it’s hurts and maybe even some of its joys, all I really need to do with the past is not trip over the cracks that are left in those paths, but faithfully move forward into the depth and breadth that is the love of Jesus. Present living, baby.
7. The aching of my heart is not for lack, but it is for the abundance of the goodness I have — and am far from deserving.

Seasons Anew

You know that moment in-between the end of one moment and just before the next? When we sigh heavily, take another sip of coffee or stir our tea, share a smile and wait, if only for a split second for the next comment, next motion, or next action to take place? Sitting on the lawn that Saturday morning was like watching that in-between.  Dressed in black robes with my honors ropes and square hat, I knew something big was about to change, but I didn’t feel different.  I looked and saw classmates I knew nothing about, friends that I loved deeply, old friends that shared the best and worst of my college experience, and I saw peace.

I knew nothing was going to be the same, but I also knew that I was going to like the change.

I’ve had my own little expectations to change the world, and if you have been following me, you have likely read of my wanderings over the last 16 months as I have waited, expecting success and attempting to prove myself to those surrounding me.

But my inability to redefine what those terms mean have not stopped me from seeking them regardless.  I have continued on, journeying through what felt like at times the richest oasis, and at times the driest desert. I have tasted the sweetness of faithfulness, and the bitterness of insincerity. But in all my searching, in all my waiting and hoping for the best possible situation, I never thought about what it would be like once I landed a job.

I do not feel any different.  I guess I didn’t expect to feel any different: I am still Anna.  I feel nothing remarkable, no sense of completion, nor do I have any sense of closure.  I still believe that the last 16 months of my life have been purposeful; full of some of the greatest lessons I have ever learned.  I still believe that that time was just as valuable and just as well used as it would have been had I entered the work force the day after graduation.

I have yet to reach a crossroads in my life where I feel somehow new, somehow different.  But maybe as I approach different crossings, as I begin new seasons and say goodbye to old ones, I’m not supposed to feel different.  Maybe that realization is to come when I look back and see that I am not the same Anna that began the last season of my life.  Most change is not an event that happens like an explosion; instead it comes slowly, piece by piece.  It comes subtly on the dark nights and bright days. But at some point, sooner or later, when we decide to take a closer look at ourselves, we realize the difference, we realize the change that has taken place, and maybe it’s not so bad.  If nothing else, we hope to God we are better than we were.

I am watching the in-between again. Right now, I can feel a new season approaching quickly; I feel all but ready for it, and I feel all but different. This new season will be full of its highs and lows just as the past seasons have been, but I will prove, if to no one other than myself, that it will be rich.

Holy Cow I Love My Husband

Just two days over a year ago, I married the greatest man I have ever known.

I stood just around the corner by the stairs which lead to the chapel, holding the arm of my father, standing in front of two of the dearest girls I have ever known. I stood, my mind racing, awaiting the moment where the music would cue, and I would walk toward the man I would spend the rest of my life with.

I had no idea the joy, the adventure, the happiness, and the goodness that would come from marrying Andrew. I love him more than I have loved anyone else on this earth. He is the sunshine in my life and the apple of my eye. And I just want to publicly tell him, happy (belated) anniversary.  May we have a hundred more.

Reasons I’m excited about this weekend.

It’s all pretty straight forward.

1. We are getting out of Dayton
2. We are going on vacation, and after July, I like to think we deserve it.
3. We are going to the beach.
4. It’s not my first time there.
5. I get to feel the Florida sun.
6. We are getting out of Dayton.
7. I will finally have some sense of justification for going slightly blonder than I intended. The woes of a new stylist.
8. Andrew says, “I will put shorts on Friday afternoon, and not have to wear pants for a week.”
9. We get some quality time with some family that is long overdue.
10. We will have some time and space to breathe and get refreshed.

When No Doesn’t Mean Maybe -or- A More Raw Version of my Last Post.

As much as I wish I could honestly say, “I’m over it.” I’m really not.

In this post-college world, my ideas about the way life works, the way it should work, and the way it actually works have all melded together into one big joke that seems to have everyone else pointing at me laughing in my face saying, “Ha! The joke is on you, sucker.”

And I tend to think of myself as a sort of realist.

But who is, really? We go through this life with expectations.  My expectations were as follows:

• graduate high school
• go to a four year college
• get a degree
• graduate
• start working
• and eventually, maybe, if I was in the mood, get married.

You know, go through the whole normal, American dream-type-life-plan. I had my fair amount of doubt in those seasons. I battled with my family on which college to attend, then left that college for a semester in hopes of discovering that there was something better waiting for me outside of the institution of College and education — I still believe that from time to time.

I doubted love for a time, believing that Katharine Hepburn’s sentiment was altogether too true and I too often wondered, “whether men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should live next door and just visit now and then.”

I believed I was incapable of love.  So I gave up on that too.

Ironically enough, it was right about then that Andrew walked into my life, only to steal my heart away ’til death do us part.

But perhaps the greatest mount of doubt comes with the second to last bullet point on my list of expectations.  This post college world is filled of one expectation after another — just as it always was.  And as tired of I am of giving people blank stares and fractured answers when they ask, “And Anna, what do you do?” I have to say that I’m not over it.  As much as I feel like I should be a pro at holding my head up, I still cry every time another business calls to inform me they decided to go with another candidate.

I don’t understand why after almost a year and a half of praying, asking God for a job, that I am still getting rejection phone calls.  I don’t understand why I am trying so hard, only to get answers that beg the question, why would God keep giving me answers that tempt me away from Him?

I asked this to my wise and wonderful mom today, and without any amount of hesitation in her voice, she answered “You have to set aside that question, Anna and let Him be God.”

Which, yes. I do.  And I don’t want to be “like a wave tossed on the sea,” nor am I looking for a way to blame God for my misfortune.  But then who? Who can I blame for my lack of job and feelings of misplacement and disorientation?

Don’t worry — I know the answer.

I’m just like everyone else, screaming at the world, begging them to notice me.

I was determined to show that this time of life could be just as rich, just as fun, and just as good as a season where I am working… But the longer I stay here, the more endangered I feel, the more I feel like the track stashed at the end of a mediocre CD only to be noticed by the “true fans” that don’t know I exist yet.

If you haven’t noticed, I’m quite raw today. And I’m not exactly apologizing for that. I’m looking for a slap in the face all the while knowing the pain that will come with it.  Let me be sad.  Just for today. Don’t comment telling me that if I just try a few more times, I’ll find something.  Don’t tell me to trust Jesus.  Don’t tell me that it’s all going to be okay.  Because I will keep trying, I’m already trusting Jesus, and I already know it’s going to be okay. Let me dwell in this place of danger and bask in the face of rejection, knowing that all the while, under the shadow of His wings He gives us strength, He gives us peace.

 

**image from images.businessweek.com

Unexpected.

I think I am at some sort of weird crossroads.  The kind most college graduates find themselves on graduation day, bright eyed and bushy tailed, ready to go change a few things.  I’m not quite as naive as I once was, but I am in a place between dreams and reality. Opportunity and purpose. Or perhaps, purpose and belonging.

It’s now one year, two months, and two days past my college graduation.

I didn’t expect to be here.

Lorelai Gilmore said that college is, “The place where you develop very naive and pretentious worldviews that come crashing down as soon as you graduate.”

I guess in some ways, I have found contentedness — yes I must admit that while I strive to be content above all else, I have yet to find a niche her. A niche where being content is more than just something I strive for but a status in which my soul exists. Usually at these crossroads  I find myself looking for the next grand adventure. And for the most part, I have taken those opportunities and have gone. Somewhere.

My heart still aches a bit at the though of all of those seasons in brand new places with brand new people. And here again, every section of my heart, soul, and life is getting that familiar itch. But that’s not now.  And so yet again, the practical side of my mind is reminding me that glamorous as it may be, the best thing, the almost irresistible thing to do is to wait. Patiently, and practically wait for the next stable next step.

My fingers brush the wall of opportunity, but here I fail to see where it can be played out.  Along with so many others in my present state, I assumed college would be a world of opportunity, a world of adventure and creativity, intelligence and learning, only to lead me to the next place in my life that would beckon me to more adventure and more intelligence.  Yes.  That is what I expected, and for a few years, it is exactly what I waited for.

But the routine of school ended long ago, and the comfort that came with school in the fall is no longer a safety blanket I find myself falling into.  No, life is much less predictable here, and the safety blanket is founded in God’s word and not in routine.

But then, I suppose that’s where it was always supposed to be found.

In Africa I was invited to seek for my deepest passion and find where it meets the worlds deepest needs.  I am still invited to find the place where those two things come into balance, and am struggling in my attempts to find just where that is.

I am hopeful yet.  Even Alice learned a few things when she fell into the rabbit hole, and Wonderland gave her experiences that made her become Alice. And I know that even in this seemingly foolish and irresponsible period of my life, I am not being foolish and irresponsible. I’m just becoming more Anna.

**photo from hawaii.gov

What’s The Point?

Lately, I have been seeing more and more just how grossly under-qualified I am to write the things I find most important to write about.

If I don’t, how will I stretch myself?
How will I push myself to the outer limits of my “intellectual” boundaries?

I wonder these things, but I know the question goes much deeper than a mere, seemingly self-centered approach to the big question, “Why?”

When I started this blog I thought I would keep it a more day-to-day replay of the funny things and questions Andrew and I explore. But as I glanced through my home page the other day, I realized how far off the beaten trail I have gotten from that objective.  Sure, I can ask the all the right questions and pose perspective, But I know for one hundred percent certainty that the reason why is much more than “I want to grow.”

I realize that I am not experienced enough to address the greater questions that beg answers at the end of the day. I realize that I am a twenty-something year old who spends most of her days philosophizing about things I know nothing about.

So, perhaps the deeper question begs, should I continue to write about these big ideas, even though I know I have no platform from which to address them? Should I change the format and just simply write a post a day focusing on a new revelation I had in my own life? Should I write for the sake of writing, or should I make sure it’s a polished idea, edited and streamlined?

Should I make sure that I coat my thoughts in nice sounding words and ideas, or should I let the jagged edges show more often?

I’m not trying to sound overly philosophical. I just really don’t know the answer.